UpRooted

Spoken, shared and crafted between A (anonymous) and Charlie Irving.

2023.

UpRooted Blog

I have visited the woods at Laughton in East Sussex most weeks now for a year and half, ever since I met Charlie and we began spending some time together there.

Up until this time in my life, I have had a strong sense of purpose and a very clear pathway to follow, both professionally and personally.

I am a husband and a father to my 3 children, and also a very proud Grandfather. I was an Interfaith Minister for over 20 years, an established writer with publications and for a time, taught in India.

Most of my writings and book publishings to date have come out of the positive experiences I have had within InterFaith work and multicultural engagement and other journeys of Faith.

And now, amidst a relatively new diagnosis with Dementia, I find myself at a time of life where I don't quite know where I am and of where I'm going.

This writing provides me with a way to attempt to reflect upon my current  journey and in how I am now moving forwards and of the feeling of now being in uncharted territory here.

After having a very rooted and very clear place in life, of being in charge, of being in control of everything, suddenly..who knows. 

How can I now make a plan when the future is so unknown?

How can I begin to navigate away from this new and sudden feeling of lostness?

Normally people are dependent upon me and I am now dependent upon others, my wife, the rest of my family and strangers for support.

Sometimes I get the uneasy feeling of being a bit torn apart, a bit like the Tree fallen onto the ground with its roots exposed.

The inspiration for this writing came to us whilst on a walk in the woods one day. We stumbled across an area within the woods where 3 very large trees had fallen to the ground. It was here that we stopped and sat for a while and made time to reflect upon how I was feeling about my current place in the world, what I was seeing and experiencing, and of what my internal ‘compass’ now looked like.

Up until that point, it had been difficult to find the exact words to describe how I’d been feeling, and yet here it was before us, the perfect metaphor to be able to actually name it, and perhaps invite a new conversation in.

The newly exposed root systems were vast and intricate, each Tree had woven itself together, with tendrils of varied thickness and lengths extending out towards the woodland web now seemingly ripped from the ground and disconnected. 

The coming down of three Trees provided a very visceral and rich visual image to this new feeling of lostness, to this new feeling of being ‘uprooted’ in some way by a recent diagnosis of Dementia.

The Trees have their root systems in place, and this is for many Trees, the first system that is created before anything is seen above ground. For without roots, there can be no growth, without roots, there can be no nourishment, no connection, and no community to connect with.

Just as Human life incubates within a system of family, and develops and grows within culture, and with any luck, a healthy and vibrant community. Having ‘roots’ of some kind is fundamentally important to the wellbeing of who we are and to our sense of purpose and place.

Much of our time we may feel rooted, but very often actually we are not rooted and are lost easily. When this system is disrupted, or severed or changed we can so easily and so quickly  become lost in the woods.

Having a deep relationship with one's own taproot is vital. Having people around you to remind you of where to find it, and what it looks like is also really useful, regardless of having a diagnosis or circumstance that seemingly disorientates us from it.

The feeling of being uprooted is one that many people experience at certain times of their lives, and amidst a new diagnosis, mine just so happens to be now and is viscerally present each day and in each moment.

What was once familiar territory, with a clear pathway forwards, is now becoming changed and different. I am becoming changed in ways I cannot fathom and do not know. This place is unfamiliar to me and uncharted.

What are my roots? What is my tap root? Where is my compass?

I know it's around, but I don't feel that I can find it anymore in quite the same ways as I used to. I find in Church, that I don't get enough sustenance really in the ways I am going to Church now. I don't feel inspired or excited in the ways I used to be.

Taking each step at a time here feels important and focusing on the present and of where I am going now and not on the label of Dementia that I have been given.

And so how do we plug ourselves back into being rooted? 

Is it through prayer and meditation? 

And if those don't work or if we can't access them in the same ways, what else is there?

And yet within all of the uncertainty, there is still the familiar and constant beauty of the Sun coming through the trees, there is still the Earth beneath us holding us up, upholding us, and giving us strength.

Even when we feel uprooted, there is something that we find in the woods that is always there, reminding us of our place in the world.

This paradox is one that we have discussed and pondered over many times on our walks there.

Within Mathews Gospel; Is a story of Jesus being transfigured; 

He goes up the mountain, and Jesus takes along his 3 top disciples.

It is here that they see him being transfigured within God's presence; the human aspect becomes transformed into a vision of God and him as his Messiah/Messenger.

Witnessing this, the disciples find themselves to be forever transformed by the experience, and when they return they are glowing in faith and belief and trust.

I need to rediscover that connection that they found on the mountain. 

To trust that although I may become changed in many ways, that I will always be held by God's presence. To have the absolute faith and belief that I will remain intact within the sanctity of God's Love. And yet here they had a Guide, someone to follow up the mountain and come back down with, they had Jesus.

What is my way up and down the mountain without a Guide to follow?

How can I be sure that I will not remain lost, or lose my feelings of faith, trust, purpose and belonging?

If I can't find my way there, who or what is my Guide now?

These are questions I begin to ask myself and I do not have the answers, and I may never find them now purely by thinking, talking and writing alone. 

Just as the woods have continuously changed and transformed within each season during our walks there, time too is beginning to affect me in many ways and it is very likely that this will be my last piece of writing.

The theme of feeling uprooted, is really a Universal one that is being experienced by many people at this time of war and displacement, and is one that can never be answered or explored  within this short piece of writing.

And yet I do know that being out in Nature helps; it feels like a Church, it feels Holy and Godly.

I feel transformed when I am out in Nature, and I feel connected, I feel peaceful. 

I can hear the birdsong and watch them jump around on the forest floor and I am reminded of joy. 

I catch the rare sight of a Deer on our pathways and I feel excited and fortunate at the very glimpse of it. 

I hear the breeze and see the trees swaying in the winds and I still have breath within my body.

I can catch the sunlight through the coloured leaves as it births rainbows through the branches, and I feel bathed in light and air and heat and sound.

I recognise the familiar patterns of the trees and pathways that we walk together and this brings a knowing of where I am.

We have prayed together many times in these woods. 

We have sat and marvelled at the majesty and presence of the Grandparent Oak Trees that we have visited throughout the year and I am comforted by these familiar old friends.

It is here that a Prayer of Hope and Faith can always be found;

Lord as we sit here amongst the wonderful trees.

We give thanks for this place and the way it has brought us together

We pray that the GrandParent Trees are always held as Sacred and are protected, for they are the Ones that offer so much back to the Earth, and to the animals.

We Give thanks for the Peace of this Day.

Amen, Shalom.